Written my Senior Year in High School

My Inspiration to start this Blog…

Grief is a tricky beast.

Never truly letting go of us – never really letting us “get over” it. “Feel the Feels.” If i had a dollar every time I’ve said that to myself this past 5 months… or – “Just breathe… let the feels do what they do” … I’d be taking another trip to new york and all of ya would be along for the ride… lol. But – repetition is how we remember, right? I have always been told, with great love will come great loss – one way or another… So – If you are not willing to accept the great loss – you probably are not really ready for that great love either… just saying.

I had allowed my grief to be my Master – because I was caught off guard and forgot a very simple thing… what has been done – can NOT be UNDONE… no matter how miserable I make myself.

So – I have made promises to those I value (myself first) that I will take care of Myself as I do others – that I will value Myself as I do others – that I will honor My gifts by putting them to use… basically – that I will get back to that “New York State of Mind” that I enjoyed a short month ago – a month – seriously… 30 days ago – I was in new york and so fucking proud of myself and my accomplishments!!! I won’t let that feeling be lost as a memory – it has to be my new reality… because I have never felt more like Myself. Capable. Confident. Creating memories – not becoming one… welcome to My Next Forever. After nearly 30 years, covid stole my mate and forced me to discover who I AM… what a journey it’s going to be! Much Love and Blessings – Me 1/05/2022

My Thoughts On New York

Things had been pretty rocky since covid took my mate the day before I turned 48. Nothing could have prepared me for finding him in our bed – only a couple hours after we had spoken about dinner – now gone. December 3rd would have been our 30th and to say I was in desperate need of a vacation, was a gross understatement. The decision was made rather fast and everything fell into place – before I knew it – I was heading to… New York City!!! Alone. For a week.

Some friends thought I was nuts. Some still do. But, it’s something that had been a dream when I was very young and I was finally going to achieve it… despite my fear of flying, being alone, being in new places and big cities. It was important to me for a number of reasons and since they were all being rolled into one tidy little Christmas Ball – I decided to brave the unknown. Push my boundaries. And DAMN did I push them!!! To the LIMIT… coming out the end of the day – fine. Over and over I set goals for myself – walking more, using less pain meds, eating healthier and walking more. Always walking more! LOL. New York is all about walking, and stairs – don’t forget the stairs… I never will. cringes and giggles… but let me get back to the beginning of the trip –
As the day approached to leave, I got nervous. Of course – it’s all brand new. I didn’t let the idea of flying get to me because well – there was no other way to do what I wanted to do. So I watched video’s, I learned all I could about what to expect and I braced myself for anything that might be coming my way. I didn’t think I would grow as much as I have and I didn’t think I would feel as though I blossomed – but I do. It’s as if I am now aware that I am capable of doing ANYTHING I put my mind to. Preparation saved my sanity – even when I made mistakes – and I made a few. I was able to right them. Yes one day it took the assistance of a friend talking me through it – but that’s what friends are for. Adaptation has been the skill I was lacking. Which is amusing to me because I always thought I was so good at it. When really I was just giving in and giving up. Those are hard realizations to make, specially when you find yourself widowed at 48. Never having been on your own – truly on your own. Now – at damned near 50, here I was… starting over and taking command of my Destiny. I got less and less nervous as departure day grew near.
Departure day came and it was hectic, as most departure days are – I’m guessing. My sister and her husband arrived to take me to the airport and we headed out of town – only to be caught in the biggest traffic jam I’ve ever seen coming out of Dallas, OR… some cars were sitting for over an hour… panic began to creep in – but my sister is a smart one and got us outta there (emergency lane and up the onramp – like other cars were doing) we hit the back roads and were back on track. I made a joke about – lets hope that’s the worst that happens on this trip – and we all laugh. and honestly – it was the worst thing that happened on my trip 🙂 It induced the most panic – by far… and I was lost in BROOKLYN on day 1. LMFAO
The airport – PDX – was like a Martian landscape to me, everything so bright and loud – everyone in such a hurry. I was overwhelmed momentarily – then got my bearings and smiled as I looked around and realized… I’m really doing it. I’m flying cross country alone. To say I was feeling both adventurous and a bit scared – would have been an understatement. While I was glad there was little traffic in the airport at nearly midnight – I was wishing I had thought about food before hand, most everything was closed or in the process of closing. I found a sub place open – finally something! Jumping into line, like most the others who would end up on my flight, I sat myself down where I could see the departure gates and enjoyed my sandwich. I really don’t recall tasting it – my nerves were running amok. My mind was a riot and I wasn’t even trying to wrangle it at the moment. Letting myself go through all the “what if’s” I could toss at myself – was the first step of many – in this healing journey I was undertaking.
As I chewed each bite, my mind raced with possibilities and always a calming voice would remind me – You can adapt. You are prepared and You want to do this. Relax. I was smiling by the end of my meal – full in body and spirit. As they began the boarding process, those of us who had been eating made our way to the clearing and waited as last minute seating changes and ID checks were done. I found it fascinating how the whole group went from a joyful and celebratory mood – to very serious and no nonsense – as soon as the announcements began. You could tell the ones who were anxious fliers – I wondered if I looked like that? Knuckles white, grasping their suitcase handles as if it were a life preserver, some obviously had a few drinks to “relax” and every other stage of fear or apprehensive behavior in between – displayed in full view of those that were about to be placed into a confined space with them. That nagging self doubt popped up again for a moment but I found my smile again as I recalled – I don’t need any of those things. I’m standing tall, on my own – supported by so many – and this is going to be fun. Walking away from the nervous group – i made my way to the great windows and watched as our plane waited for us to climb aboard and begin the adventure… part two coming soon

Unstoppable and Alone in NYC